Karkat Is A Sucky Guardian Angel
by Maid-Of-Heart
Summary: Karkat Vantas is dead. He is supposed to be in Hell right now. Karkat has been given a chance to earn a second shot at going to Heaven. His job? Guide one Kankri Vantas through life. Sounds hard on paper. Karkat is also made to live with eleven other questionably sane people. Why is he stuck here again? Oh yeah, because he killed himself. (Humanstuck, no Sburb/Sgrub)
1. Prolouge

**Trigger Warning- Suicide**

**Okay, so this fic is not going to be the happiest, but bare with me. Once I start getting into the story more, if you have questions, feel free to ask them. Should there be any kind of need for trigger warnings, they will be at the top of the chapter, please do not read if you will be compelled to kill yourself. I will post, at most, one chapter a week. At the least, I will post one chapter a month. Bare with me.**

**Other than that, please enjoy and do not forget to leave some helpful critique~!**

-o-

He slams the front door loudly, his dad scolding him. He ignores this, stomping straight to his room. He shuts quietly shuts this door, locking it; he does not want to bring his father's attention to him anytime soon.

He sets the backpack he carries down, pulling the textbooks out and setting them neatly on the desk, and he puts the teacher-assigned, finished-on-the-bus homework next to them. He sets his notebooks in the bottom drawer of the desk, as well as all but one of his pens, which he uses to scribble a note on a scrap paper. He sets these to the side.

He does an once-over of his room. Nothing is out of place. There are a few books on a shelf; clean clothes are in the closet; a few trinkets are on the shelf. There is not much to be out of place.

He opens the top drawer of his desk. He pulls out a few pill bottles and a photo. He places the photo next to his scribbled note and starts opening the bottles one-by-one. The first bottle he just grabs two pills and swallows. The second bottle he pulls out an unhealthy amount of pain relievers and sets them to the side. The third bottle is an antiemetic. He takes two.

He stops as he looks at the pile of pills after putting the bottles back. He looks at the watch on his wrist; it's four in the evening. He takes a deep breath. It is a breath not of fear, but of resignation. It is a breath of knowing. He pulls a bottle from the backpack. His guzzles it and the pills down.

He finishes and sets the bottle on his desk, away from the note and picture. His fingers brush the words on the note. He then turns and sits on the bed. He looks at the ceiling for a moment, cracks a smile, and lies down over the covers.

He is soon asleep, the effects of the first pills, sleep medicine, taking place. He is found dead the next morning from over-dosing.

_'__I KILLED MYSELF BECAUSE I REALLY HAVE NO REASON TO BE HERE. I AM FUCKED WITH AT SCHOOL AND MY DAD IS A PART-TIME MECHANIC, PART-TIME DRUNK. I FIGURED THAT I SHOULD JUST LEAVE. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE IS ANYTHING OUT THERE IN DEATH TO GET ME. SAYONARA, BITCHES. –KARKAT VANTAS'_ –Karkat Vantas, as featured in the next week's paper.

-o-

**The first chapter should be out this week, after that, only once a week, shall I update. **

**~Maid of Heart**


	2. Chapter 1

**Trigger Warnings-Mentions of suicide**

**Okay, I will be working on the next few chapters for a while. Enjoy this, because the speed picks up next chapter, this is the slowest I hope for the story to be. Maybe.**

-o-

I open my eyes, but I don't see anything. No, there is nothing for me to see. Just a bunch of nothing.

The first thing I realize is that I am alive, and the second thing I notice is that there is some kind of presence speaking to me. No, not speaking out-loud, but kind of into my mind…? Shit, I don't even know, all I remember is taking the pills and-

_"__Karkat Vantas."_

"I'm dead, aren't I?" I can't really feel my body. I feel like I'm lying down on a water bed.

_"__Yes, you are. You have committed suicide. When you died you followed no kind of path of religion, yet you were a person who did few things wrong in your life."_

"Am I going to Hell then?" Or maybe I'm floating in water?

_"__You are going to be given a choice. You can either move from here to eternal pain in Hell, or you can redeem yourself in which you will be given a chance at life."_

"What happens in this 'second life'? Do I remember anything?" Maybe my mind exists and my body is gone…?

_"__That is irrelevant. You can either go to Hell or go through with a task to try and be given another chance to follow the faith of the true religion."_

"Sure. Better than Hell. Whatever it is that I do, to get this second chance is sure to be sucky, but unending pain? Pain hurts, that's why I did it painlessly in sleep. Whatever. Get on with it." I suddenly can feel my body again. In a way. The pain in my chest and lungs is horrible and I really think that this is Hell, but I kinda made a deal with the weird-mind-voice-person and this is painful, but- OW!

I'm gonna blackout now…

-o-

The first thing Karkat Vantas realizes when he wakes up is that he is alive. The second thing he realizes is that he is actually dead. And he is surprised by how un-freaked out he is.

He slowly takes a look around the room he is in. It is a simple four wall, square room. The wall the bed is against long-ways, the one behind Karkat, is the first wall. The wall to his left the second wall. The wall to his right the fourth wall. The wall across from him is the third.

The bed Karkat sits on has the head situated in the corner of the first and second wall. There is a simple fold-out table with two monitors and a keyboard against the third wall. It had a rolling chair in front of it; of course, it will not work well with the thin carpet that coats the wall.

The fourth wall has a waist-high shelf, next to a door that will open with the door swinging towards the third wall. The shelf is closer to the first wall than the door is.

Karkat looks at the ceiling but cannot make out any source of light. He is confused as to where the lighting of the room is coming from, but he decides not to question it. He thinks that maybe the afterlife works differently.

Karkat stands up, heading towards the monitors first. He pauses as he sees his reflection on the blank screen of the first monitor, the one on the left, of which is a few inches larger than the other.

He looks at himself. All he sees is his reflected, pale skin and dark-brown eyes. Something that surprises him is that the bags under his eyes are mysteriously absent, and his shaggy black hair does not look as rough as he is used to. His fingers unconsciously go up to it and run through it a few times. It feels softer, as if someone has used a bunch of conditioners and hair softening products on it. It is still a bit of a mess though.

Karkat ceases his observing. He decides that he is going to see what is with the monitors before leaving the room. He thinks they might explain something. He sits in the chair and presses the power button on the small monitor. The large one is empty of any sort of buttons.

He briefly wonders if it will work before the screen flicks on. It shows a blue screen of death background with a small box asking a question in the middle with a box beneath for the answer.

_'__What is your name?'_

Karkat's eyebrow raises but he enters his name in the box with the keyboard in front of the monitors. Once he presses enter, the box changes, now apparently loading something.

_'__Loading files 1/413…Please wait."_

Karkat sighs; he thinks that with his luck this will take all day, if this place even has days. He stands up after a moment, deciding to see what is outside the door. Maybe this is really his just hallucinat-

_*Ping!*_

The files have been loaded.

-o-

**Again, feel free to leave some critizism or comments! **

**~Maid of Heart**


	3. Chapter 2

**Trigger- Mentions of implied, gory death.**

**Hey, I'm really glad that people are taking a liking to this. ^u^ I just wanted to say that I won't have a chapter next week, as I have mid-terms these next two weeks, but I'll probably have one after that.**

**On another, quick note, I would like to say that from here on in, the story will be told from a narrator that knows everything Karkat knows, feels, and notices. No first person POVs for a while. (I'm not very good at them, in my opinion) I might have one or two scenes like that a little later on, but, for now, you get to see everything the way Karkles does! *U* Anyways, enjoy chapter two of Karkat Is A Sucky Guardian Angel!**

-o-

Karkat sits back down and watches the screen as it opens to a normal computer desktop. It has only programs shown, one titled 'KanVan' and one titled 'YOUR SENTENCE, ASSHAT'. After an awkward moment, Karkat realizes he has no mouse to use. He growls, "Fuck."

Karkat bangs his head against the keyboard, in total annoyance. He gets up and rolls his eyes, realizing that everything he just did may have just been a complete waste. Not that he did much to be a waste.

He goes over to the door; it has a lock on it. He can lock people out, if there are any, Karkat notes. Karkat is not sure if there are supposed to be other people, that whole time where he was just floating in nothing is kind of hazy in his memory. So are all of his other memories, now that he thinks about it.

Karkat temporarily disregards this thought as he opens the door. It leads to a hall with an opening in it on the long side, right in front of him, leading to another square room, but larger and more like a half kitchen, half living room area than anything. Karkat sees, in the hall, that the room he just left is approximately in the middle of the hall, as it ends a little ways down on both sides. He decides to enter the common area rather than exploring the other rooms in the hall.

The room seems composed of two main areas, one with a curved couch and a television, to Karkat's right, and a counter with cooking supplies to the left. Karkat does not time the time to adequately take in his surroundings, but he thinks it looks real modern and sleek.

Karkat sees a tall girl, at least seventeen, with short ginger hair and tanned skin, who is apparently cooking something on the stove. Next to the girl, sitting at the counter, is a lanky guy, barely looking fifteen, with dirty blond hair and a pair of glasses with the lenses tinted blue on his left and red on his eyes, reminiscent of 3D movie glasses.

"-No, like seriously Kanaya, he just went up to her, yelled about her 'rad' skateboarding moves, and took off. He didn't even give her a chance to speak." The guy says to the girl, Kanaya apparently, who nods and, glancing at Karkat before so, responds.

"I believe, that this is a case where one who has a crush on someone else would be embarrassed, especially after the display you had him partake in." She deduces as she pulls her pan off of the stove, turning it off. Kanaya turns to Karkat, as well as the guy, who takes a swing of his soda can. "And you are our new house guest I presume? Please, correct me if I am wrong, I am told quite often to misinterpret things. I am Kanaya Maryam. Pleasure."

Kanaya bows her head slightly and returns to her food, carefully putting the food, scrambled eggs apparently, on a plate with a spatula to avoid being singed. Karkat glances at the guy.

The guy raises an eyebrow. After a slight pause, of which Karkat feels that the guy was checking his profile out (though Karkat cannot really tell due to those glasses), and the guy gives Karkat a look that makes him think that this guy is a real lamb throttling, rump humper. That is to say a total douche.

He smiles at Karkat. "The name is Sollux." Karkat thinks to try and ignore the off feeling he is getting and to try and give this guy a chance to be cool. And Karkat finally realizes that Sollux had been speaking with a slight lisp. The lisp is not very noticeable, but seems that it would be real annoying to some.

Kanaya dumps her spent dishes into the sink next to the stove and beckons Karkat to sit with her at a table, a little ways from the counter. Sollux stays in his seat, but watches the two, sipping his drink. Kanaya and Karkat sit, Kanaya picking at her food. "So, might I request to learn your name? You will be staying here for quite a while and assume that you have many questions about your current living quarters, so it would be rather strange for me to explain what it is you would like to know without having your name to address you properly." She said, in a slightly over-enunciated way. Karkat honestly could care less about others' accents though.

"My name is Karkat Vantas. And I do have a lot of questions, like first, what even is this place, some kind of holding cell for the recently dead? Is it the place where I do whatever it is that I have to fucking do to not end up in a fiery, unforgiving prison chamber? And what's the deal anyway, what do I need to do to get out of here and go back to life or something?" Karkat immediately starts into a path of questions that he has, hoping that this neatly dressed lady will be able to explain something to him.

Kanaya takes a moment to think over his questions, as she swallows her eggs. She takes a breath and begins, "Well, while we do not know the exact whereabouts of our current facilities, the building itself is as safe as any other building you surely have come across." Sollux snorts at this, makes the hairs on Karkat's neck stand-up. "As for your other question, it is a bit longer explanation that I may not be the best to explain." Kanaya admitted.

"I think I've got this, GA." Sollux suddenly cuts in. "Okay?"

"All yours."

Karkat has the thought that they are going to toy with him.

"So, you died and were given an obvious choice to either spend yours days rotting in Hell or to take part in some sort of sci-fi kind of mission to gain a second shot to freaking Heaven. Correct?" Sollux asks. Karkat nods. "Good, we're on the same page."

Sollux continues to talk, pacing in front of the table, as Kanaya returns to her food. Karkat rests his head on his hand, balancing on the table. "Now, basically your job is to be some kid's life guide or some more meaningful shit. No, said child is not here, nor are they relevant to our living again, other than some kind of unknown test, I guess. You give them what might feel like subconscious nudges in the right direction by using an already installed app on the computer that should be in the room you woke up in. There was a computer in there, right?"

Karkat nods, remembering why he left. "There wasn't a mouse. I started it up, but can't do anything because it does not have a mouse."

Sollux takes no motion to imply that this is unusual. "I'll get you one then. I can help you with the set-up and explain it to you better than its little crash course will. It's kind of like a livestream where you can say whatever you want and it will register with 'em. You also get to see them, obviously, and the things around them. Also, that fazy, dizzy feeling you might be having will go away soon. Kind of an after effect of dying. Probably so you get an explanation without a totally meltdown. Once you get past it you might freak for a bit or something. Unless you are unstable. Wouldn't be that far of a stretch, seriously, some of the people living here are not even sane." He huffs, crossing his arms.

This unnerves Karkat.

"Wh-what do you mean by that. Not. Even. Sane?" Karkat asks, gritting his teeth. Kanaya chokes on her last bite, hiding a laugh.

"Oh, yeah, our house guests include an ex-murderer and a guy with a freaky made-up religion." Sollux says, a large smile covering his face. Karkat looks at Kanaya, who avoids looking at him, as she gets up to set her dishes in the sink.

Karkat narrows his eyes at Sollux. "You're fucking me."

Sollux's grin widens and becomes what can only be called smugness drips from it. "There's even a chick that's been on a steady diet of chalk and oil paints since getting here. Another absol-fucking-lutely great thing about this place. We don't need food or water."

This raises Karkat's suspicions, since Kanaya had just been eating, and why would you even have food if no one needs it, but it kind of makes sense.

"There are other cool things that this place comes with, but I'll let you figure it out on your own. Now we got to get you all set up on your computer. Head back there, I have to make a stop, but I will bring you that mouse." Sollux says, walking off, to the opposite of where Karkat came from.

Karkat sees another opening (which Sollux walks through) and assumes that there is either another hall there or something. Seriously, the though, where is all the lighting coming from, Karkat still has yet to see a single outlet, lamp, headlight, or other sign of electricity, despite how there clearly is, as the computers must be running of something.

Kanaya is leaving the room as well, but leaves through a door to the right of the counter and sink. Karkat sees sunlight and grass in the moment she has the door open. At least there is oxygen. Unless, Karkat thinks, no one needs it anyone. Karkat is unsure about what Sollux said, but figures that if Kanaya was letting Sollux prank the newbie that he will find out soon enough.

Karkat get out of the chair, which he now takes to time to count out the twelve chairs around the table. Great, at least eleven other people, including Sollux, a murderer, a weird religious person, and someone who eats chalk in their spare time are here. Maybe. Karkat really only believes about half of the things that Sollux said.

-o-

Karkat enters his room, now noticing that the door has a small plaque with his name on it. Kind of.

'Karkat VantasS'

It looks as if someone wrote in large red marker an extra 's' so as to make his name a nuisance.

Karkat hopes that whoever wrote that is not some massive fucking peanut worshipper and that they are just an average douche.

Karkat opens the door and closes it without locking it, so that Sollux can enter. Karkat sees that the room looks exactly the same as it did before.

As Karkat walks to sit at the desk chair, he wonders why he expected anything to have changed; other than the fact that his door was written on. Of course, it is not like there are even any of his personal belongings to be messed with.

Maybe he actually just wants to be given an idea of what types of follies he may come across in the future from the other people in the building? Should they be the type to mess with his room. Karkat does think that he will wait on meeting them and forming opinions of them before taking Sollux's word on if they are sane or not. It is not that he is refusing to believe Sollux, but more of If they are sane Karkat believes that he will be able to tell. If Sollux is right, then so be it.

Someone knocks on the door. "Vantass, open up. I've got the mouse for you." Sollux's voice calls from the hall, mocking Karkat's door.

"It's unlocked, assfeather; you can come in on your own." Karkat replies. Sollux opens the door and raises an eyebrow. Karkat rolls his eyes. "Whatever."

Sollux inspects the monitor for a spot to plug the cordless mouse plug into. He turns the small monitor on. He takes the mouse and waits as the computer turns on.

Once it is on it is at the desktop again. The same two files are there and Sollux opens the one titled 'KanVan'. It opens to a window with a black screen, a text box akin to what you would see in most standard messaging systems, as well as several buttons and adjustments of some sort to the side.

"So, this is what you gonna want to do, Karkat- I got your name right, right?" Sollux asks this slightly mockingly, so Karkat only nods as Sollux fiddles with the controls.

"Good, now first turn the view port on." Sollux clicks a button titled 'ViewPort On/Off' and the screen turns to show a little kid, a toddler really, brushing his teeth in a bathroom."This is the kid you're taking care of. You are going to want the volume up when something actually starts to happen, so you can hear whatever is going on. You can do that by changing the number here, it goes up to thirty-five, I think. Understand?"

"How do you give them all this great advice or whatever? In the messaging box?" Karkat asks, feeling Sollux shift next to him, reaching over him somewhat to use the mouse without as much strain, moving his seat some. Karkat, not accustom to people being so close, flinches.

"You got it. You type and, sometimes, they will respond with text in here, or out loud they will talk. Really it depends on the person and if they're alone. Now most of these controls are real simple to comprehend, but if you have questions, now would be a great time to speak up, before we move on." Sollux hints, fixing the settings a bit.

"No questions, but it seems like I'll be stuck doing a whole lot of nothing, because this kid can't really be up to all that much, it will take forever to reach a point where this kid will even see me as something more than an imaginary voice in his head." Karkat says, the whole thing baffling him. Why would he be sent here if he would not even be able to do anything for a few years?

Sollux stifles a snort. "That's the best part; you don't even have to wait long. This only shows parts of his life that will be relevant to your job. And you get to skip around a bit sometimes." Sollux click another button, 'Timeline Popout', a smaller window opening with a horizontal line with a dash close to the end of the left side. Sollux uses the mouse to drag it more to the right, closer to the middle, and then exits the window and now the screen shows the same kid, now a teen, sitting next to a total babe on a school bus.

"See? You can go to almost any spot in their life, though I suggest not looking at their death, it could be rather, ehem, graphic." Sollux says, in a voice that gives Karkat the feel that the person Sollux has dies in a gory way. "But, yeah, you can go to whatever time, though I suggest checking out parts of their childhood before you do anything else."

Karkat ponders over this for a moment. "What if I just go to random times and just plain old fuck with him?"

Sollux grins. "That would probably make him a fucked up mess and put him in an insane hospital. From experience, you tend to go back and edit your commands and keep them from flipping out. You can do that. If you give them faulty advice and change their future you can go back and change it. Or you can leave it if that is better than what they were going to do before."

Wow. With every new word from Sollux's mouth, Karkat is knocked into an even deeper tunnel of amusement and wonder. This is not only going to be fun, but without repercussions as well. Finally, something interesting, Karkat thinks.

"Of course, if you do this too much, the kid gets déjà vu and acts paranoid." And then Sollux promptly ruins Karkat's fun.

"Ugh. Fine, I understand all of this, now is there anything else I have to know, or is this all?" Karkat asks, huffing.

"Actually, yeah, you still have to check out your sentence. You know, whatever it is that you have to get to happen to receive this elusive second chance at life." Sollux says, exiting from the window and clicking on the other file, 'YOUR SENTENCE, ASSHAT', not questioning it.

-o-

**I have realized how much I misspell Sollux's name when typing. Here's an idea of what it looks like. Sllo says, Slooux does, his name is freakin' Solou. Nope.**

**Anyway, feel free to leave criticism and comments! (OuO)b**


End file.
